Unkle Munky Pg 136
Unkle Munky is now available, without the ads, here >>> ---- *Artist - Chicane. *Song - Hiding all of the Stars. *Videos prone to removal. ---- Small Things Lewis from Harrington asks - Dear Unkle Munky, My girlfriend always laughs at the smallest of things. It's becoming quite embarrassing. What can I do? Unkle Munky says -''' Dear Lewis, Have you considered getting undressed in the dark? Lewis replies - What the fuc...? ---- Bungle's Barely News ---- Lightsabre Etiquette Matt from Glasgow asks - Dear Unkle Munky, Did you receive my email regarding lightsabre etiquette? 'Unkle Munky says -' Dear Matt, Using your lightsabre as an impromptu cigarette lighter is generally frowned upon by the federation. It also contravenes official health and safety regulations. I accidentally fried a sparrow last week under similar circumstances. Think on! *Pictured: Matt contravenes health and safety regulations by lighting a fag with his lightsabre. ---- Mundane Quote of The Day ---- The Big Book of Confiscations Ben from Somerset asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I recently had a suitcase full of cigars confiscated by airport officials. I realise that I may have exceeded the legal allowance but was just wondering what actually happens to said confiscations? 'Unkle Munky says -' Dear Ben, I have consulted my 'Big Book of Confiscations' and can reveal that a little old lady from Ludlow is employed by the government to smoke the aforementioned contraband. *Pictured: Bridget Houston from Ludlow working selflessly to control Britain's ever increasing tobacco mountain. ---- UK Munky Gold Plus One This week: The Innumerate Musketeers are ejected from a Pound Shop. Musketeer - How much is this Cliff Richard Calendar, Ms. checkout girl? 'Checkout Girl -' Well it’s a pound innit? Musketeer - I don’t know, that’s why I'm asking. 'Checkout Girl -' This is a Pound Shop. The clue is in the name! Musketeer - …So how much would it be for five Cliff Richard Calendars? 'Checkout Girl -' Well that would be five pounds wouldn’t it!? Musketeer - But I thought you said this was a Pound Shop? 'Checkout Girl -' Oh fer fuck’s sake! Get out! Go on, all three of you! Get out! Musketeer - Three? I thought we were five at the last count? ---- Peter The Out-of-Date Political Activist Peter The Out-of-Date Political Activist asks - Can I put a ‘Free Nelson Mandela’ poster in your window please, Unkle Munky? 'Unkle Munky says -' He’s been a free man since 1990, Peter. Peter replies - Really? How inconvenient! I spent a whole weeks wages on these fuckin’ posters! ---- Amy Knitwear's Top Tips ---- Leaving Marks Tim from Kirby asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I am very keen to leave my mark on the world before I die. How might I go about achieving this goal? 'Unkle Munky says -' Dear Tim, Removing an oil-based paint spillage from a porous surface is notoriously difficult. In fact, I would hazard to guess that it is virtually impossible. This, coupled with your yearning to leave a mark, leads me to conclude that the answer to your conundrum is both paint and spillage related. Tim replies - What the fuc…? ''Ms. Motion Sickness (Munky's assistant) says - Munky, do you know there’s a massive big paint spillage on the pavement outside of Munky HQ?''' '''Unkle Munky says -' Ahem. Really? ---- If You Have Been Affected If you have been affected by any of the issues raised in this week’s column then why not write to me? I am an experienced counsellor who, unlike that smelly primate, knows exactly what she’s on about.'' *Pictured: Claire Rayner. Agony Aunt. 'Unkle Munky replies -' What the fuc…? Who let that bitch in here!? ---- Unkle Munky is now available, without the ads, here >>> ---- Next... Previous... More Munky Here>>> Munky's Twitterings>>>